I still cling to this idea that when I meet you, I won’t be able to scare you off. I won’t be too much. I won’t talk too much, or say the wrong thing. You won’t grow tired of me after too much time together too soon. And I won’t have to convince you of anything.
I still cling to the idea that when I meet you, I will know it’s something special. We will know it’s something special. We’ll share a feeling in our gut that things just might be different this time. Things just might work out finally, for once, forever.
I still think you’re out there. My person. My love. My everything.
They say it’s a numbers game, and I feel in my heart that I’m inching closer and closer to finding you. I have to be, right? The odds have to be in my favor eventually, right?
I imagine that with you, I won’t need to play the games. I won’t need to second guess myself. I won’t need to worry about holding back.
But then again, I’m not the same person I once was. I’m no longer desperate for the attention and validation that I couldn’t do without before. I am happy. I am whole. I am content. And I am so in love with this life that I’ve worked so hard to create.
You’ll be a wonderful addition whenever you decide to show up, if you decide to show up. But for the first time, I don’t need your gaze and approval. For the first time, I don’t need your company. For the first time, I’m going to be more careful about who I let in, because I’m afraid of letting you destroy the peace that I have built for myself.
But as much as I fear letting you hurt me, I am more fearful that I’ll build these walls up too high while I wait for you, and by the time you find me I’ll be unwilling to let anyone else in. I’m afraid of becoming so calloused and tired that I close myself off completely. Because I’m already weary. I’m already drained. I’ve barely dipped my toes back in and it might only take a few more mini heartbreaks before I stop trying altogether.
So hurry up, because I’ve had enough of the fleeting moments. Enough of the intense yet short-lived emotions. I’m sick of hearing that I’m unlike anyone they’ve met before. I’ve gotten a glimpse at the other side a few too many times.
I’m ready for my person. I’m ready for a lasting love. I’m ready for a love that I can count on.