I have been trying so hard.
- Trying to accept my circumstances.
- Trying to be grateful.
- Trying to stay positive.
- Trying to imagine a new life that excites me.
- Trying to let go of the life that was ripped away from me.
- Trying to do the right thing.
- Trying to stay informed.
- Trying to amplify the voices of others.
- Trying to be a socially responsible citizen.
- Trying to stay busy.
- Trying to be responsible.
- Trying to act my age.
- Trying to do things differently.
- Trying to get my life on track.
- Trying to worry less about the opinions of others.
- Trying to be less emotional.
- Trying to be happy.
All that trying, and nothing seems to be working.
- I’ve cooked more.
- I’ve picked up old hobbies like sewing, and new ones like painting.
- I’ve gotten outside with the dogs more.
- I’ve spent more time with family.
- I’ve been working & saving.
- I’ve pursued buying property.
- I’ve looked into moving to LA.
- I’ve tried to start a business.
- I’ve joined a pyramid scheme.
- I’ve been broken up with.
- I’ve gained weight.
- I’ve lost weight.
- I’ve felt moments of pure excitement.
- I’ve experienced deep let downs.
- I’ve done a lot, and yet here I am.
- Right where I started.
- Feeling lonely and defeated.
I think part of why I stopped writing is because I’ve been waiting to have it all together, to figure it all out. To have some big announcement. To have something to show for myself. But during the global insanity that has ensued over the past 5 months, all I’ve been able to figure out is how little I know, and how much more growth is in store.
I have no aha moment to share. I have no routine for quarantine success. I have no at-home workouts. No yoga flows. I have nothing to show for myself, despite trying so hard.
So here I am. Raw, uncertain, alone, but also fully aware of my privilege and the freedom it gives me. From today on, I’m going to do less. Say less. (Try to) think less.
I’m going to focus on what’s in front of me. I’m going to do my best to stay in the moment, while keeping my eyes wide open to the possibility of what’s to come. Because that’s all I have the bandwidth for. Every last bit of effort, drive, creativity, and perseverance has been depleted. Not forever, but for now, I’ve done what I can do.
Even if I don’t have much to show for myself (yet), I know that my efforts have not been wasted. I trust that God has a perfect plan for me, and it’s time to try a little less and listen a whole lot more.
EDIT: It’s been a few weeks since I wrote this piece, and I’ve really tried to apply this approach to all facets of life. Doing less. Lowering expectations. Embracing the now. Enjoying the journey on the way to an unknown destination. And I have good news for you. It’s working. Maybe I had my aha moment after all. Good luck friends : )