It’s February 9th, 2021. It’s a Tuesday, it’s cold out, I’m still in pajamas and I’m slowly piecing my place together after a whirlwind weekend, blowing through like a tornado between shifts at the restaurant.
I took an edible a while ago, and it’s definitely kicking in, so bear (bare?) with me. I’ve been trying to kick weed recently, and I have significantly cut back, but I also find weed to be the thing that pulls the creativity (& motivation to act on it) out of me. More on that another time.
It’s been a while since I’ve published anything, and about a month since I last wrote something. It’s so strange because in some ways it seems like I’ve wasted so much time, but I also feel like I’ve made a lot of progress internally. Despite not doing much of anything these past few months, it feels like I’ve been busy. I feel tired. Almost all the time. Inexplicably. Maybe it’s the cold? Maybe it’s my tiny studio apartment that really emphasizes the groundhog day feel of things? Maybe it’s seasonal depression? Maybe I am depressed? I feel fine, but as days go by, I feel like I fit the symptoms more and more.
Anyone else?
Do we collectively feel this in one way or another?
Does anyone else feel as though you’re doing what you can during these #unprecedentedtimes but also that you might be using it as an excuse to avoid doing anything at all?
I have explored countless ideas since last March. I have tried so many different things. I have pursued so many different avenues, and none have worked out. It forces me to ask the question… is it because those things weren’t meant to be? Maybe. Or is it because I didn’t try hard enough? Could I have done more to see those ideas through? I honestly don’t know. Maybe.
But I know that I’m at a fork in the road. I need to start taking action now, or I’ll keep slipping down a path that I don’t want to go down. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great days and weeks over the last month or two. I actually feel better now than I have in a very long time. But since January I’ve felt a buzzing. An anticipation of something coming. A sense that we are on the cusp of something big. I am also finally feeling a sense of motivation and energy that I haven’t in months, and I want to build on this momentum.
I don’t really know what’s next. I have a lot of different ideas. All of them a little out there. All of them a little scary. But all of them also way more exciting than anything I have going on currently, and I think that’s worth the risk.
I don’t know what’s next, but my gut tells me I won’t find it in Chicago.
earthly 