i’ve been going through phases

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few months about the phases of life. Some phases are meant to be brief. Some are meant to last much longer than I would have like (ahem puberty).  Some phases are fun, exciting, and full of new challenges. Some are boring. Some are really fucking hard. I’ve realized that most of those phases, at least in my fortunate life, can be positive in one way or another.

Perspective changes  e v e r y t h i n g.

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In my current phase, I’ve moved back with my mom to the suburbs of Chicago. I’m back to working in the restaurant industry. I have no social life to speak of. I spend next to nothing as I’m trying to chip away at the mountain of credit card debt that I made for myself back in Denver. But I’m happy. I’m enjoying myself. I wake up most days excited and ready to take on my day. Since moving back home, I’ve resisted the entire experience, forcing myself into feeling guilty about my situation and assure everyone I meet and friends and family that it’s only temporary. Which is true, it is just temporary, but all the more reason to enjoy it. Because every phase of life is temporary – fleeting – be it for better or worse.

While traveling I had “flashbulb” moments, let’s call them, where I would just be stopped in my tracks, my breath taken away, with all of my senses overwhelmed by the beauty and magnificence unfolding in front of me. It was a moment of pure bliss, of total and complete presence, and I was lucky to have that experience several times throughout my trip.

After returning home from my travels I had a short period of forced optimism, still going off the adrenaline of the trip. Following that I fell into a pretty significant depression. I was afraid that everything I had experienced was just a bandaid, and returning back to “normal life” would send me right back down the hole I had just managed to climb out of. The worst of those feelings are behind me, and  just now I was blessed with another flashbulb moment. Walking my favorite dogs, rounding a corner and being struck by the most stunning dusky sky. Absolute, body trembling bliss. And it’s clear that there has certainly been a shift in my life.

I am happy. I am ok. I’m back to enjoying the mundane, something I haven’t truly felt in years. This isn’t forever, but for right now it’s just fine.